Drowning

I don't know anymore. I'm sick of my highs and lows. I wish I'd pick one. It just sucks. I hate that i always feel like I'm about to breakdown, but nobody would know that. I rarely show emotion. I've built up walls around myself, to never be vulnerable. Too bad now I kind of want them to go away. But I did a pretty damn good job building them, they're too immense to go away now. Everytime I see myself, I know that it's so fake. I can be laughing and cracking jokes all the time, it makes me forget about my pain&need to breakdown and cry, it temporaily removes some "darkness" inside me. But jokes fade, and good times stop rolling and i find myself alone. Yeah, sure people try to either climb over or break through my walls, but they always walk out on me. Partially because they get frustrated and mostly because I push them out. To me, they'd be one more person that would blame themselves if I did something stupid again. So I push them, aggravate them, so they will leave, and not care. I wish I was alone again, when nobody would talk to me, so I wouldn't have to care if I hurt someone else by doing something stupid again. I'm just sick of lying to myself, and to everyone. I can't be me anymore, I think I've lost myself. And it really fucking sucks.


<|3emily